I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.
You Might Also Like
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping
Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house
Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse
Customer Service: Are you ready for your confirmation number?
Me: Yup. *pretends to write it down*
CS: 683648AC4712.
Me: mmm hmm… Ok, got it!
CS: You want to repeat it back
to me?Me: No thanks *click*
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
this is funnier than any friends episode
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!
WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.
If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:
Survive in harsh conditions.
She’s never even been been camping.
I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year
Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please
me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!
[interview at bank]
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber
Interviewer: what
Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope