Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!
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my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.
I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”
#growingpains
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE
Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
Woke up to my 8 year old daughter in bed instead of my wife and for a split second, I thought my wife got Benjamin Button-ed.
Me: *Wishes upon a star* Please, I just want the world to be a better place.
Asteroid: ON MY WAAAY!!!
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
Him: “So, what made you agree to this blind date?”
Me: “I really need to feel something inside me other than my demons.”
Him: “Wait, wh-?”
My demon: “Shush! Let her finish. Can you believe this guy?”
Me: “I know, right?”
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.
“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
Just this preview of the story is enough
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities
I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”