My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.
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My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.
MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods
Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru
Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…
It’s basically shitty Christmas.
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
MOM: I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my baby
ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work
My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
Breaking news:
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground
Son: “Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet?”
Me: “Wow, I thought most only had 4.”
As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.
[first day as a getaway driver]
ME: how did I do
BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there
[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha
I finally wore the shirt my boyfriend bought for me last Christmas and he asked if I was wearing a new shirt and that my friends is what relationships are all about
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING
my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad
It’s only Cloud Computing if it originates in the Saint-Cloud region of France.
Otherwise, it’s just sparkling servers-in-a-warehouse.
Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time
Agatha Christie: hold my tea
Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
It’s like my Mom always said FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW:
I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18
wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers