wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
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The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft
This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.
I’m tired of being the bigger person. Just once I want to be the smaller person. I want to be continually shrinking. I’d eventually love to be tiny enough to be carried around in someone’s pocket while shouting petty retorts.
Stop me if you’ve heard this one
Daddy I’m full
Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night
(after cleaning up dinner)
Daddy I’m hungry
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.
*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
[home depot]
employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE
me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT
Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.
People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.
Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird
sales assistant: oh not you again
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
BOSS: I have some tough news
INVISIBLE MAN: Go on
BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities
INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit
Accountant: So you didn’t have traditional income most of the year but your investments and holdings still earned you $9,000,000
Papa John:
Accountant: 831,000 pizzas. You’ll owe about $2,800,000 in taxes
Papa John: And that’s…
Accountant: *sighs* 258,000 pizzas
Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago
Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today
Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.
Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money