Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
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I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”
luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”
I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
[gets down on one knee]
her: omg
[gets down on two knees]
her: ok…
[gets down on third knee]
her: wtf
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?
ME: Love.
T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?
M: Also love.
Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?
STUDENT: um
ME: this is important
STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A?
ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here
My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon
HER: so I hear you’re a runner
ME: yes
OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know
Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!