Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
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House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!
ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!
Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.
ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?
*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not getting McDonald’s.
Child: Why not?
Me: We have food here.
Child: I don’t like the food here.
Me: Grilled cheese?
Child: no
Me: Hot dogs?
Child: no
Me: Chic-[20 minutes later]
Me [at drive-thru]: TWO BIG MACS AND
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]
Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.
Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.
Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.
I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.
[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*
I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
[CPR dummy coming home from work]
WIFE: is that lipstick on your face? who’s been *does the air quotes gesture* ‘resuscitating’ you today huh?
DUMMY: for the last time Carol it’s my job
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator
I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.
“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”