I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.
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cats when you pet them too long:
I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.
Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*
Friend: Bad breakup?
Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.
The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.
7yo: Mom, did you really lose my tooth?
Me: I’m going to be completely hones-
7: *begins crying*
Me: Daddy did. He totally did.
I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.
Wedding planning is organized crime.
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.
Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.
Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9
Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @
Me: DAMMIT
Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together
[reptile house]
Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake?
Wife: Sure!
Me: Oh, so it’s okay when HE asks?!?
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys
ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys
#Caturday
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.