DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys
ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys
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I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.
I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
What I said: please stop letting flies in.
What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.
road rage
*Stands at produce aisle
*Grabs GIANT zucchini
*Holds it high in the air
*Yells:
Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!
If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.
At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.
“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.
a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.
I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
me: (11 pm) 😴
me: (1 am) 😴
me: (3 am) 😴
me: (5 am) 😴
me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.
Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!
Her: Pork fried rice??
I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.
Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”
Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”
*sound of hooves in kitchen*
Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
[sets up grandfather’s first computer]
ME: Okay, Grandpa… Just call me if you have any questions or problems.
[phone rings one hour later]
ME: Hello?
GRANDPA: WebMD says I’m pregnant.
2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
the way this pissed me off… 😭