2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.
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My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.
i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake
Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
Rt to bother an English speaker
Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two
Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
[bakery]
me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday
clerk: ok what about this one
me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?
When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..
Now I just smell like shit
3.
The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven’t
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me
get you a girl who
I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
A comma is just a period with a mullet.
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?