My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
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A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.
Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?
Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words
Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and
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Me: What are you doing?
Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.
Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.
Wife: