My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.

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A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?


I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?


I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.


The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.


This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.


Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.


I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.



Her: tell me something about yourself

Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man

Her: …

Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards


Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”


Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.