My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
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It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot
I THINK I DRANK TOO MUCH SWEET TEA AND I’M SO AWAKE AND NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE AWAKE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVEN’T DONE IN A WHILE, LUNGES!!
Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.
Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.
People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here
Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 😏
Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the job of 3-5 people
Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.
[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no
I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.
His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”