My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.

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El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.


People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?


A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.

It was an unexpected LAN slide.


She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.


Me: So if I call Canada it’s billed as international?
Phone rep: Yes. Cuz Canada is a country.
Me: You should hear how ridiculous you sound.


Even though it says it right there in the show’s title, I’m always disappointed when Unsolved Mysteries aren’t neatly wrapped up by the end of the ep.


Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something new

Pfff….poetry is easy


Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?


*at party*

Guy: Want to dance?

Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.


Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.