@rovingthought

My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.

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@TweetsByTheTony

El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.

@JediGigi

People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?

@chuuew

A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.

It was an unexpected LAN slide.

@Donna_McCoy

She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.

@thenoahkinsey

Me: So if I call Canada it’s billed as international?
Phone rep: Yes. Cuz Canada is a country.
Me: You should hear how ridiculous you sound.

@_little_old_me

Even though it says it right there in the show’s title, I’m always disappointed when Unsolved Mysteries aren’t neatly wrapped up by the end of the ep.

@OkieGirl405

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something new

Pfff….poetry is easy

@trevso_electric

Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?

@HoneyWooWoo

*at party*

Guy: Want to dance?

Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.

@Donna_McCoy

Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.