My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
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If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason
I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
Van Gone
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
[harry potter, college edition]
Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-
Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already
Voldemort: wh-what
Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications
Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind
Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…
My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.
*strums guitar*
This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”
Hope you like it.
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
mom: what’d you do today?
christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole
mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.
Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.
CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.
Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%
I camp so other people don’t have to.
My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.
Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties