Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here
Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 😏
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H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?
Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.
[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]
”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
I missed you with all my darts
I don’t understand what’s happening here.
Luke: Did you get the card I made you?
Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.
Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
I think about this a lot
Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*
*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack
Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!
My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.
Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
I learned 2 things today:
My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck
That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck
Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?
Rick Astley: *tearing up*
Me: oh no
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.
me: God?
coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.
me: (nods) Cheesus.
People on social media: Look at me! Look at what I’m eating! Give me attention!
People in cars: Why would anyone care that I’m about to turn?