3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:
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i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
Him: What’s in your secret sauce?
Me: My feelings for you.
*wink wink*Him: I knew it tasted weird.
grandma: more potatoes?
me: sure
*3 hours later*
grandma: *wiping sweat from her brow* more potatoes?
me: *locking eyes* sure
There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
Angel: how long should dogs live?
God: how about 12 yearsAngel: horses?
God: 20Angel: cats?
God: 15Angel: sea turtles?
God: ONE HUNDRED FIFTYAngel: oh no it’s happening again
God: haha, hey ask me about fliesAngel *rubs temples*: …fine
God: like 12 minutes lol
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
It’s taken 7 years but I’m beginning to see the correlation between my kid’s hyperactivity and his sugar intake.
We have to buy a new toaster because my son tried using the icing packet from his toaster strudel as a potholder to protect his fingers and dropped it in the toaster, where it melted and oozed icing all over.
But in his defense, it didn’t say not to do that on the box.
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal
6 woke us up this morning slightly concerned.
6: a squirrel is making some really strange screaming noises on the deck.
Me: *not knowing how much 6 knows* maybe he’s looking for a lady squirrel.
6: like a mating call? I don’t think anyone would find that very attractive.
me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much
Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩
Coworker: …
Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?
I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*
Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.
Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.
Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.
I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic