[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.
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Breaking news:
I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
I am in:
🔵 Kentucky
🔵 Texas
🔘 PantsFor the:
🔵 Fried Chicken
🔵 Chainsaw Massacre
🔘 First time in weeks
[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
Me too, bag. Me too….
My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.
Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
We’ve been working with 5 and 4 on being polite, asking how people are, etc. 4 apparently took that lesson to heart. We went into the mens room at the zoo, but there was someone in the stall. She leaned down, looked under the stall door, and asked “How are you doing in there?”
TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”
When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.
9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework
Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?
Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.
Friend: Well, the more you know-
Me: The sadder you’ll feel
Friend:
Me: Is that not the phrase?
Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong
Me: *crying* Well the more you know
Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
Date: everything ok?
Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife
Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?
Me: tonight if you play your cards right
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock