Me too, bag. Me too….
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“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“
*interrupting* haha, he said prick
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
The Harry Potter series is such bullshit. Like we’re supposed to believe a boy with an invisibility cloak ever left the girl’s locker room.
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules
is this store having a stroke wtf
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
me: *turns around in swivel chair*
*tents fingers*
I guess you never expected to see ME again…
Boss: Must we do this every Monday?
INTERVIEWER: Tell me one of your weaknesses.
ME: I sometimes mistake professional behavior for flirting.
INTERVIEWER: There is zero chance we’d ever hire someone with that issue.
ME: Listen, I’m flattered, but I’m married.
If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.
Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
[Budapest airport]
IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?
ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”
Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”
Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]
her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies
I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.
All my money goes to the poor…poor me.