The Harry Potter series is such bullshit. Like we’re supposed to believe a boy with an invisibility cloak ever left the girl’s locker room.
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Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.
Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.
[dinner negotiations]
Wife: where do you want to go to eat?
Me: ugh
Wife:
Me: you pick
Wife: I’m craving kale
Me: I’ll pick
me: this could’ve been an email
[gets email]
me: no not like that
cop: did anyone follow you here
jesus: no
cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it
Trying to sound more sinister in normal conversation. i just invited my friend out for a drink tonight but i did it by saying “do u wanna meet me for a simple drink at a regular bar no strings attached nothing weird”.
Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
[Being murdered]
Me: You’re stabbing wrong
Murderer:
Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work
[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]
One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.
Whenever my turd splashes loudly in a restroom stall I play the sound of a baby crying on my phone and yell “it’s a boy!”.
{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor
me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea[10pm]
me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
I didn’t answer the door when my neighbor knocked because I didn’t feel like it, but then they started having a whole gathering outside and now I have to pretend I’m not home for probably another 2-3 hours.
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc
the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny
Kids, do not try this at home!
Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.
Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner
Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.
If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.
Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
Adoption agency: so did you have any specific ideas of who you want to adopt? Age? Gender?
Dave Seville: do you have three anthropomorphic chipmunks?
[First Date]
Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*