Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
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Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
The closest I’ll ever come to performing in the circus is standing on a swivel chair trying to reach the vodka I told my friend to hide.
Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.
doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
There are 2 kinds of twitter.
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?
Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.
Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: Is it food?
Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card
*2 Knights on a Quest*
Elgon: Let’s rest here. Does the map say where we are?
Gawain: The map says “Here be Dragons”.
Elgon: Ha! They always say that!
Gawain: *getting off horse* Why do they say that?
Elgon:
Gawain: Elgon?
Dragon: Oh, was that your friend? *burp*
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.
911: Did you ring yesterday?
Boy: No
911: Day before?
Boy: Definitely not
911: Your voice is familiar
Boy: Please just help
911: Ok can you describe your attacker?
Boy: It’s a wolf
911: Oh for fu
My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
A thousand curses upon anyone who has ever gone, “Why are you sitting in the dark?” and then flipped the light on without asking.