Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
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After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better
my accountant: look at ur currently monthly budget:
· RENT: $800
· GAS: $200
· CHEEZ-ITS: $2,750me: ur right, i need a cheaper place.
[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no
Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.
Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns
The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
[First date]
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?
A taxi.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
(Item doesn’t scan)
Me: Does that mean it’s free?
Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.
Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day
North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.
Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
If anyone is looking for a nice restaurant that has a great menu and very polite staff, check out the one I went to with my parents and my sister in 2014. Can’t remember what it was called but it had a lovely ambiance and we were all very satisfied with our meals. Recommended 👍
I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you’re looking for metaphors, I’m probably the grapefruit.
Everyone’s family
Husband: where you off to?
Me: bathroom
Husband: you have to pee again?
Me: no, I gotta cough
My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.