just in case someone hasn’t told you today,
i’m gorgeous.
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[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…
I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées
Papa Seal: Son, is your fractured flipper feeling any better?
Baby Seal: Daddy, it really hurts! Can’t you give me some Tylenol for the pain??
Papa Seal: I wish I could, son, but it said “Do not use if seal is broken.”
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks
People Magazine chooses Channing Tatum as “Sexiest Man Alive”. Do we really need the “alive” part or is the zombie vote that strong?
Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text
DOG FRIEND: which color heart?
DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one
DOG FRIEND: omg
Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless
Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*
Person at an event: oh hi, I know you from twitter
Me: …sorry remind me?
Person: *says his name, full job title, things we talked about*
Me: …er…?
Person: my profile picture is a banana?
Me: Banana!!! How are you?! So great to meet in real life!
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die
me: 27
sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…
me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?
Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?