My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées
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Music can take you places instantly.
Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…It instantly takes me to another station.
Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.
5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?
Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating
told my gf that i’m “really into getting itchy lately” and that i am “low key in my itchy era” but it turns out i was having an allergic reaction
Me, walking out of a store: *wow all these dudes are staring at ME? A middle aged mom? Ok. Yeah. Sure. I mean I guess I’m still hot maybe, ok yeah good for me*
Me, an hour later: *ok so I tucked my dress into my underwear a few hours ago I see that now NEVERTHELESS*
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
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Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
Think you know guilt?
*takes long drag on cigarette*
I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.
*exhales*
I hear Simba’s screams every night.
to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂
to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂
Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her
Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?
Kid: “Sorry,” I think
“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.
*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?
My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
*police searching my home
So, the coffin is for Halloween?
Yes. Yes it is.
I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.
As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.
I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.
Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.