Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
You Might Also Like
Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT
*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.
I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
God: you’re a decapod.
Crab: what does that mean?
God: it means you have 10 legs.
Crab: b-but that’s too many legs.
God: at least you don’t have a hundred.
Crab: why would someone have a hundred legs?
Centipede: yes God why would someone have a hundred legs?
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
(On a date)
Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.
Me: haha yeah that was a good call…
*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*
Just shake the magic 8 ball and tell me what it says
Priest inside the confessional: I’m not sure you know exactly where you are
IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?
When I retire I’m going to run from office.
It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?
I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
TwinzerMom: Where’d you go?
Me: For a quick walk. Just kinda the first step on my fitness journey.
TwinzerMom: Must have been a small step
Me: Why do you say that?
TwinzerMom: Well, for starters, there’s powdered sugar in your beard
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
why is my iphone predictive text so obsessed with trying to get me to go to church… every time I say “how’s…” it suggests “church.” same for “just going…” and “I’m at…” is Apple trying to save me
Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.
ME: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: I have a boyfriend.
ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev