My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
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*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
COP: someone’s been cutting everyone’s christmas lights but not yours
ME: i have no idea why a crustacean- i mean person would do that
[my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]
Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.
We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
Bad joke of the day:
How do dog catchers get paid?
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By the pound.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
the only bumper sticker ill allow
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing
Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…
[Clown College]
Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-
Pennywise: *raising hand*
Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?
Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.
Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…
Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.
if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
My son has a hard time waking up in the morning so he downloaded an obnoxious sounding alarm on his phone to ensure he wouldn’t oversleep.
So far the only people awake from it this morning are me, my husband & our neighbors.
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
*deals poker hand*
peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]
everyone, at exactly the same time: fold
Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”
Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”
Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.