[Clown College]
Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-
Pennywise: *raising hand*
Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?
Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*
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I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”
My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL
Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.
[12 minutes later]
Me: I have eaten my best friend.
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.
This cat wants you to take your pills
The Job Interview:
HR: So you are bilingual?
Me: Si
HR: In your native tongue please.
Me: Ooga Booga
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency
Me: I’m being held prisoner
Dispatch: Do they have weapons?
Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords
Dispatch: Umm ok
Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks
Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children
Me: …….Maybe.
Dispatch: 5th one today
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
Alien: we are here to enslave you
Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?
Alien: I SAID..
Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it
Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
I’m not afraid of spiders.
I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.
Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.
If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?
3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch