Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
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I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing
My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.
Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?
“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
Fidel Castro was alive?
me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to
my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
Dancing Prime Minister
Dancing Chancellor of the Exchequer
Dancing Lord Privy Seal
-ABBA explores dance vis-a-vis constitutional monarchies
Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.
grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything
*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers
When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.
Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?
Audience full of Dogs: OMG!
Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!
Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!
There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night