Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.

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I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes


Me: I need a doctor’s appointment

Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?

Me: No I don’t need that many


Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?


The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago


Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun


I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.


Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.


“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.