Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!
You Might Also Like
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.
me: you can’t take a joke
joke thief: what
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…
In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter
My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.
Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.
I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.
For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
[being murdered]
Mailman: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
[interview at J Crew]
interviewer: explain this gap on your resume
me: no
interviewer:
me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement
I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing
“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”
Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
The biggest mystery of our time
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.