Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.
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I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.
Me: I said you can’t eat candy.
4-year-old: I’m not eating it.
Me: I see it in your mouth.
4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.
Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.
If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
A remake of The Notebook called The iPad
*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
[Couples therapy]
WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces “food” like “feud”.
THERAPIST: And you, sir?
ME: She’s always in a bad mude.
Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.
Friend: That’s good to know.
Me: It’s actually much worse than that.
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re
It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.
Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……