The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives
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“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.
I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!
I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.
Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.
Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.
Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!
Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
¯_(ツ)_/¯
My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah
My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t
(Electricians.)
DOCTOR: To cure your blue skin condition, you must immerse your entire head in this vat of chemicals
GUY ABOUT TO BECOME SKELETOR: Sounds crazy but okay
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”
Where do turtledoves come from?
“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.
wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!
[later]
ghostbusters (standing in ashes): you really should’ve called the fire department
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, “DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” People always clap when she wakes up.
Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*
Kids: yuk
Husband: *makes pancakes*
Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”