good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.
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Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket
frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.
Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”
Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.
Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.
DOC: Pull yourself together!
*both laughing*
DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.
“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog
I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]
khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub
Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.
A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.
My life coach: So what would you like to see happen this year?
Me: Kangaroos being allowed to fight in the UFC
Life coach: I will literally pay you to not come here anymore.
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
this is the greatest thing ever
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
So we got a goldfish…
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.