My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
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In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.
sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?
odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.
sailor: oh ok wait what.
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
Sure I feel bad for Marty McFly having to take his mum to the dance so his parents meet, but poor John Connor had to send his mate back in time to bang his mum or he wouldn’t have been born
“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”
Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.
Natural selection at its finest
Yup
Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.
My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.
accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.
Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?
angel: you died
me: oh no
angel: but at least you lived a good life
me:
angel: helped others
me:
angel: did all u could
me:
angel: *checking clipboard* I’ve got the wrong notes, haven’t I
me: I didn’t wanna interrupt
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
I just reached in my purse for a pen and found a full 4 pack chicken nugget box from McDonalds.
So I get it, squirrels. I get it.
The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
I occasionally drink every single night.
don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that