odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.
sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?
odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.
sailor: oh ok wait what.
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Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
me: I quit my job as a waiter
wife: what? how will you keep putting food on our table?
me: *scoff* I remember my training, linda
if I order fries, they are for me
if he orders fries, they are for me
if the next table orders fries and they’re not looking, they are for me
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.
Me- “Sorry I can’t”
Friend- “Why not?”
M- “Working on my book”
F- “Neato! What about?”
M- “It’s a collection of ways to escape obligations”
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid
My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION
in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late
Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call
[during sex]
Me: So do you LIKE like me or
When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain