You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
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The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
These fireworks are awesome! High four!
Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE
Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order
Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.
[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom
went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
Me: Where did you find that orange sex pillow?
Play date host: That’s a gymnastics wedge. It’s for gymnastics. For my kids. Why would I keep a sex pillow in my living room at a play date?
Me:
Host:
Me: Where did you find that gymnastics wedge?
[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.
She’ll be playing Hannibal Montannibal.
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.