You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.

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Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*


learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument


What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.

*drops acid*

Ok, go.


9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad


A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:

Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.


Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.


You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.


“It’s been a bit of a day”

Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”