@NickBossRoss

You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.

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@sixfootcandy

Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*

@Cryptoterra

learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument

@JediGigi

What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.

*drops acid*

Ok, go.

@iwearaonesie

9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad

@QuickandSisi

A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:

Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.

@TheTweetOfGod

Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.

@zacharyflynn

You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.

@SoVeryBritish

“It’s been a bit of a day”

Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”