Me: Where did you find that orange sex pillow?
Play date host: That’s a gymnastics wedge. It’s for gymnastics. For my kids. Why would I keep a sex pillow in my living room at a play date?
Me:
Host:
Me: Where did you find that gymnastics wedge?
You Might Also Like
Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.
My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.
I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…
[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?
The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.
My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.
therapist: how have you been coping with everything
me: with sarcasm mostly
therapist: has that been working
me: yeah it’s been super great
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.
Speak now or ever hold your peace
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
Last night, I spent 15 minutes at a party waiting for a man to move closer to a woman he was hitting on so I could reach behind him for Fritos
My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
how is beauty and the beast a “tale as old as time”? a lady hooks up with a big dog, and all the candles in the house start talking? I hope that hasn’t happened before
Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.