“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
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When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease
I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.
“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”
(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)
[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENINGMurderer: What?
Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps
Murderer: omg lemme check mine
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
Me: I’m gonna search the periodic table for relief from my cramps haha get it?
Him: Actually there are elements that can help. Magnesium for example is calming and-
Me: What’s the symbol for arsenic?
Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see
I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB
I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
seriously
The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card
What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.
I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
Son: You act like the dog is better than me.
Me: Sit
*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*Me: I rest my case