Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
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Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot
Lady Macbeth: out
Macbeth: but-
Lady Macbeth: OUT
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
What if the Bad News Bears literally gave you bad news?
Bear 1: You’re adopted
Bear 2: The cancer is terminal
Bear 3: This tweet ain’t funny
MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!
PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.
Me: Oh, who got the last spot?
Coach: Umm
Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight
Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!
Me: *runs away*
I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.
I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.
Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?
No sir, it will be round.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
My sex drive has a dui
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.
Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:![]()
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business
11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?
Me: no more YouTube before bed.
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”
*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
Bruce Willis and the pug are lying on hospital beds, hand in paw. The pug’s kidneys are failing and despite science & logic,Bruce is a match
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)