Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
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Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
Crush: what u up to
Me: about to take a shower and listen to music
Crush: nice, what kind
Me: *nervously* one with water
I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.
3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs
I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich
INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?
ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
Humans become vets but animals never become doctors. How about returning the favour for once? We spend five years training to keep animals healthy. Most animals can’t even be bothered to live that long.
A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.
Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?
Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨
I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks
This morning in my local coffee shop.
Customer: “A large mug with four shots of espresso and the rest filled with milk, please.”
Barista: “Are you sure? That’s a latte coffee!”
#EspressoDay #WednesdayThought #RubbishJokes
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
Would like to think i’m a chill person but i did a jigsaw puzzle the other day with people who had bad puzzle etiquette and i nearly put my fist through the glass top of the coffee table.
Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*
He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.