My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.
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Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.
[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met
me: ok
[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life
WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.
-Oreo to milk
[Going to Starbucks for the first time]
*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*
[a little later]
‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
hear me out : pockets for your socks
Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
The funk soul brother
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.
Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?
GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
Our lord and savoury.
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI
TI’s daughter: a what
doctor: UTI
TI: no I’m TI
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.