in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops
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THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
2-year-old: Dad?
Me: What?
2: Are chickens real?
Me:
2:
Me: No one knows.
american computer: would u like to enable cookies
british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv
I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*
If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.
I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
Haha good job!!
Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
This could be us… but you playing
I let 8 stay up late last night which helped when i told him it was time for bed he just said ok and went right to sleep. haha i’m jk he still lost his shit.
PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way
Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless
Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.Again.
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
Job interview:
– Good morning
– Good morning
– Have you got a twitter account?
– Yes
– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”
That was last night and I still haven’t recovered
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.