Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
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Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse
Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you
Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
Instead of saying, “Someone’s in here” when a person tries to open your bathroom stall door, try one of these fun alternatives:
1. “Leave the package at the door.”
2. “I TOLD YOU IT’S OVER!”
3. “Larry?”
“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.
But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.
Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
Childbirth is so beautiful
“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”
-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.
“Just put mom on the phone”
*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!
I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.
One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I’ll put a whisk in the spatula drawer when I’m emptying the dishwasher.
I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.
I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.