Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
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My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
i will not be silenced
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I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
me: can I get 20 nuggets and–
priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru
me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite
[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
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Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
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How much for the goth pool noodles?
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[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
My Dad’s TV exploded, sparks and smoke, the whole 9 yards. I of course used this as an opportunity to tell him if took better care of his things and didn’t watch rubbish, none of this would have happened.
I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.
Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
October already? What’s next? November????