Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
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looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow
Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!
Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room
If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.
A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.
Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?
Brad Pitt: Let him stay.
Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
*goes to Walmart*
*goes to Target*
*flies across world*
*takes train*
*rides in car*
*hikes highest mountain*
*gets to Guru*
Me: Where do I find the 3rd item on this school supply list?
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
I was best man at my friend’s 2nd wedding. I started my speech with “welcome back everyone” he was not happy #weddingfail
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.