Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat
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I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
Them: You’ll sleep when you’re dead.
Me: I’ll go ahead and take an advance, if it’s all the same.
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!
Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!
[3 days later]
W: Can you take the trash out?
M: No way!
W: *angry* I beg your pardon?
M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again
W: I despise you
When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”
Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.
chatgpt is an answer to the “older cousin deficit” we didn’t know we had. we need someone to tell us, with utmost confidence, that cockroaches can live for 3 years without a head, that smoking peanut shells gets you high, the *truth* about how katanas are made, with no sources.
Why do all the famous lady ghosts have all these salacious stories fueling their haunt? I promise If I’m a famous lady ghost when I die, I’m not going to steal your man or your baby. I’m just going to pet your dog.
Imagining if Mario was actually your plumber. Jumping all over the place. Throwing fireballs at your cabinets and shit. Becoming briefly invincible. Just a really negative home visit
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
When I was a kid I was afraid to drink kool-aid because I didn’t want a giant hole in my wall that I had to explain to my mother, like, could you imagine?
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”
Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?
Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”
8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday
HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂