I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?
You Might Also Like
How Animals React To Smoke
DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.
BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
stages of eating a banana:
– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now
Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
I hate when I go to review a podcast and someone before me said “wow, this pod makes my daily 6 mile run fly by!” and I’m like cool it also makes eating this giant bag of cheese balls fly by.
My wife walked in on me sobbing uncontrollably while listening to an old song.
“Meat Loaf?” she asked.
“Yes,” I replied, between the tears. “Can we have baked potatoes too?”
Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.
Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids
Wife: When?
Me: Between 2 and 5
Wife: Ok
Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6
i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”
haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?
Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?
Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.
Shout out to Pringles for admitting they’re addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”
Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.