@BrassBallsCJ

I’m in a very dark place right now.

Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?

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@fuzzlime

i used to side with chief brody but now i’m team mayor because the shark’s only gonna eat 1-2 more people & he’ll be stuffed. we’ll sell soo many shark toys

@donni

Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses

@ambamthankyamam

Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…

@SteveKoehler22

Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….

If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !

@diemadcraig

“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”

“I’m a cop.”

“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”

@abradacabla

*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*

“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”

@ceejoyner

PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear

@jackiembouvier

Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.

@aotakeo

CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber

BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!