If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
You Might Also Like
As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!
Him: this pie is delicious! Is it a family recipe?
Me: yes, and you’ll never guess the secret weapon
Him: you mean secret ingredient?
*catapult launching sound*
where’s Godzilla when we need him
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
when nothing goes right… go left
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?*shoots kneecap*
How bout now?
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
ME: Hi mirror
BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk
ME: Hi mirror
BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters
Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.
if a doctor ever tried to hit *my* knee with a tiny hammer? hoo boy… all i’m sayin is, it’s a good thing they already live at the hospital
*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.
a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE
Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips
[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.
Typos are dangerous, you guys.
I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.
It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this