Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this
Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips
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A bad analogy is like a cucumber
[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]
Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING
4 y/o: he died dad
4 y/o: …
Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%
Harry Potter: A Shortened Version
Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.
Everyone else: Lol, no.
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!
Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me