Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck
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What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
[2050, Quarantine Simulator: Day 4]
Test Patient: i don’t know what the big deal is. could do this forever.
Doctor, into lapel: introduce children to simulation.
[34 mins. later]
Test Patient: *banging on two-way mirror*
Doctor: every time.
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?
It’s not like I knew my fly was open!
For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”
[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
Dear diary,
Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.
The 70s had it right.
Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.
[Chocolate Cake 101]
Sober: Use a fork
Stoned: Use your fingers
Drunk: Use your face
it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking
COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me
Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, let’s take her to the vet and see if she has a microchip.”