Dear diary,
Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.
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“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
dinosaurs are always described as “roaming” the earth which is patronizing as hell i bet they had places to go and important shit to do
Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?
Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
Reporter: *ports again*
Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…
LOL
Asking the real questions!
People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!
Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.
The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?
*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.
Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.
There’s a woman in my office who is very very very obviously pregnant but she still hasn’t mentioned it and I am being SO STRONG and I refuse to ask because I will never ever ask just in case
If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”
one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has
I once took a woman back to a hotel who was in town from Canada back when I was sweet. I kept taking her clothes off but she was wearing so many layers. After a good half hour of peeling, I finally reached the center only to find… nothing. Only the slightest scent of maple.