I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
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receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%“…but”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━━70:28:54
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%
And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.
I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.
[Couples therapy]
WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces “food” like “feud”.
THERAPIST: And you, sir?
ME: She’s always in a bad mude.
My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.
Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.
“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”
A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?
If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?
[first day in prison]
Cellmate: that’s Flesh Eater Mike
Me: why do they call him that?
Cellmate, quietly as Flesh Eater Mike walks by with blood dripping down his chin: it’s short for Michael