[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
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Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.
Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
[Watching the sunset over Paris]
BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*
GF: OH MY GOD!!
BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend
Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.
*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
Wait for it! 🤣👏😝
My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.
Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.
Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth
I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation
Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance
The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.
That and the fact that the bottle was empty.
Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
harry potter: i’m depressed
dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it
harry: yeah
dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.