You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
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People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle
ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”
Worst part of a robot uprising would be trying to explain what ai technology is to our grandparents. My grandpa can’t grasp the concept of wifi, there’s no way he’s surviving Siri with a gun.
I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
I’m constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.
Do you want contact-free delivery?
□ Yes
▣ No
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is
Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.
me
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
The only thing we need to bring back is duels.
Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine