Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
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Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)
he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT
There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room
shop assistant: can i help you find something?
me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences
shop assistant:
me: or laundry detergent
Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…
Bullshit.
What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.
Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”
They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*
Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.
My hips don’t lie because they be like, “Fool, you gonna need some ibuprofen tonight after thinking you could play tag with your kids.”
An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…
My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”
F Bombs for everyone! 😃
What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?
Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.
Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?
Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.
Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money
CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.
~me as a motivational speaker