No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
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Peace was never an option
Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Friend: Cry
Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot
Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA
Natives: actually it’s no-
C: HI INDIANS
N: no see, we are nowhere near-
C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD
*walks in at 3am*
Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.[front door 5hrs later]
Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?
[first day in the Coast Guard]
Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!
Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.
“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.
“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Yes”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.
[lunch date]
“I’ll have a salad.”
Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.
Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂