@ch000ch

[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.

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@okimstillhungry

Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*

@FKACornshucks

Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.

Her: Tell me…

Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?

@truegritrumble

ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.

@david8hughes

Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was

@imteddybless

[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?

@KrazykurtKurt

If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again

@honeybadgerMel

Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.

@Fred_Delicious

*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH

@julezmac

“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy