Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
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Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.
Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was
[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?
If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
*knock at the door*
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy